All the single shoes, put your tongue up

I went to buy shoes today. The ones I’m wearing have almost completely fallen apart. I’m always surprised when shoes wear out after only 8 years of daily wear. It’s not like I’m hiking in them, or doing the Salsa, Lindy Hop, West Coast Swing or Nightclub Two Step…with any regularity. In fact, if I had to use one word to describe my lifestyle it would be ‘sedimentary’.

I’m like that tasteful joke where a cripple wheels themselves into a shoe shop and the attendant says “How’d you wear the last pair out?” I’m pretty sure this joke is set in an American Apparel store, I read recently they ask job applicants for full body shots with all resumes now so they probably don’t want crushed legs in their skinny jeans.

So do I have new shoes? No I do not. I went to Meyer, and after waiting fifteen minutes in a queue to get my size, the shop assistant came back to inform me he couldn’t find the other shoe to make the pair.

“What!” I said. “Why did you separate them in the first place?”

Clearly startled by my intelligent query - “um, so we can display more shoes?” I asked him if this was a regular thing…you know, to lose a shoe.

“Sometimes it happens. But they usually turn up.” He was speaking about it like he would a lost dog, which would wander off, maybe to explore the haberdashery department, but would always find its way home eventually, maybe you could encourage it home if you rattled a tin of shoe polish and left the lid of the box open.

I decided just to leave the store and walked into Zu Shoes. I chose two pairs of shoes to buy and lo and behold, they couldn’t find a partner for one of them. I considered removing a foot at this point, but decided I wasn’t the problem, it’s the splitting up of shoes that is the problem.

I imagined a sad looking bar full of single shoes. A shiny looking shoe with a synthetic-upper steps into the bar, all the shoes turn to look at it, but most are only into real leather. A sleazy looking loafer is sticking its tongue into a stiletto, but neither of them really feel any connection.

I still don’t have a pair of shoes, but I do believe I’m developing acute monophobia.


Kate.Elinore said...

Best. Headline. Ever.

Jordan Kerr said...

Thanks Kate. I didn't realise that talking about shoes would afford me so much witty word play.

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